There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Randomize
