So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
