The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Vodka?
Forever.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
