when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Can you bring me the toilet please
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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