A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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