Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
