I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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