We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
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