I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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