Betty ford says i'm here all night
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
