I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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