Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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