Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
a search helicopter?!
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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