I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
