I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
