She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
