just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
