I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
