Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
