Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
