I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
