i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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