I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
