i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
