Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
