I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
