mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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