oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
