My room smells like vodka and shame
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
