You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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