i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
