you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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