You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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