What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
