I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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