I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
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