My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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