don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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