to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
