i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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