in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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