Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
