i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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