I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
