I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
