Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
