I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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