I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
