Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
