I wish my penis had an off switch
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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